Top 10 Reasons to Vote for Trump
When dealing with a figure as controversial as Donald Trump, it’s difficult to be neutral because he’s amazing! Countless words have been written extolling the virtues and vices of the man vying for the presidential vote, and I have no wish to add to them by rehearsing familiar for/against arguments or by preaching to the converted. So instead, here’s a universally relatable simile.
Donald Trump is a bit like a bad mosquito bite. You didn’t ask for it, you may not even live in a mosquito area, but you’re stuck with it anyway. Sometimes you can distract yourself for long enough that you forget it’s there, but most of the time you’re all too aware of it. You almost certainly want to scratch it. Admit it, it feels good. But the more you scratch, the bigger and redder it gets. And besides, you’re just hurting yourself in the long run.
Unfortunately the damage has already been done and you’ve scratched so much you’re going to need treatment, a remedy, something that may not entirely take away the itch, but will at least alleviate the symptoms and make the coming hours, days; months, years more bearable. There is no perfect remedy for inflamed mosquito bites, just advice. Don’t itch. Don’t vote for the mosquito bite. Leave it alone. Vote Hillary.
If, however, you’re a scratcher by nature then nothing you’ll read over the next few minutes is going to change your mind. So please, read on.
Are you tired of your continent stretching unimpeded from the frozen tundras of Northern Canada and Alaska down through the tropical rainforests of Central Southern America to the penguin-infested archipelagos of Chile and Argentina? Do you lament not being able to follow in the footsteps of the illustrious ancient Romans by delimiting your territorial borders (fines imperii, as they used to call them) through the construction of a dirty great coast-to-coast wall? Don’t you think it’s time that, despite centuries of careful and delicate diplomacy conducted to safeguard the sovereignty and prosperity of all countries involved, we erect a gigantic, physical border to comprehensively and conclusively shut out our neighbors?
With Donald Trump’s ‘impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful, southern border wall’, (we’ve been assured by his PR team that the name’s a work-in-progress) – fully funded thanks to a generous grant by the Federal Republic of Mexico – these worries may turn out to be a thing of the past. With such high-tech features as: above and below ground sensors, a comprehensive network of guard-towers and deep reserves of manpower, all supplemented by state of the art aerial reconnaissance, Trump’s wall may not evoke the same aesthetic charm as the glacial, fantasy-medieval structure of Westeros. It may not even be enough to keep at bay the hordes of bloodthirsty white walkers disguised as Mexican emigrants. But you know what they say – desperate times call for desperate measures. And winter is coming…
9He’s not a politician.
Imagine a scenario. You return home exhausted from a 12-hour shift to find your toilet blocked. Cursing, you go to get the plunger, and upon your return to the bathroom you proceed to go hell for leather for 30 minutes. Sweat pours, the cursing gets louder, but try as you might you soon realize that you’re unable to remove the blockage. You put the plunger down, wash your hands, and take out your cell phone to contact a professional who can come over and fix the problem. Who do you call?
The person you call is a plumber. You call a plumber because plumbers are qualified to unblock pipes. They attended college, got certified and learned the theory of their trade before putting it into practice by undertaking an apprenticeship. You don’t call a politician. You don’t call Donald Trump. You don’t call Donald Trump because he isn’t qualified. He didn’t attend college and undergo training either to navigate pipe systems or to deal with potentially large amounts of… matter; matter we produce but don’t want to see, matter we don’t want to handle ourselves but the handling of which we would rather entrust to a professional.
There are certain qualities that cannot be denied ‘The Donald’. He has buckets full of charisma, and has no fear when it comes to speaking his mind. But even his supporters would concede that at times their man has pushed the limits of mere controversy, and in the volatile world in which we now live we have to ask ourselves whether it’s a controversial demagogue we want or a statesman, or stateswoman.
8He wants to ban all Muslims from entering America.
On December 7th 2015, Trump’s trademark controversy again made international headlines. Adopting the literary third person (presumably to distance himself from the inflammatory far-right nationalism he was espousing), he addressed a rally with the words: “Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what the hell is going on. We have no choice.”
Naturally the address sent shockwaves, not least among the estimated 3.3 million Muslims (1% of the total US population) who were rightfully worried about the ramifications this might have for them and their families. But what got people so worried was not necessarily the hate-filled and impracticable racism spewing from the mouth of the next potential president, but the fact that Trump failed to clarify specifically what he meant by ‘what the hell is going on.’
Since the address, the country’s representatives have been hard at work trying to figure ‘what the hell is going on.’ Officials at the Department of State, cooperating with the security services, have been working round the clock to foil acts of terrorism (something they were apparently neglecting before) whilst programs of deradicalization, led by religious scholars, academic experts and former extremists, have been set up to tackle the problem at the root. But time is running out, and Trump has made it clear that if a comprehensive but condensed report into the cause and solution of all forms of Islamic terrorism is not on his desk by 9:00 Monday morning on his first day, he’ll build another wall.
7He’s great with women.
Perhaps the capacity in which the one time sole owner of Miss Universe most excels is that of the ladies man. But don’t be fooled. It’s not just his ravishing good looks or bulging wallet that make him such an attractive investment. Trump is regarded by some as a modern day Lord Byron, a master wordsmith able to capture the beauty of the female form through subtle innuendo, allusive vocabulary and powerful imagery. Here are some of his best quotes, all of which have been collated in one place for your reading pleasure.
On August 6th 2015, in an attempt to secure the women’s vote, he alluded to Megyn Kelly’s interrogatory interview style as being the result of her menstruating: “You could see there was blood coming from her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever.” In both 2006 and 2013, in a surprisingly ineffective effort to win over the LGBT vote, he directed his oft-misunderstood prose at Rosie O’Donnell, calling her “fat, ugly… and a slob.” And then there’s the famous incest gag.
In March 2006, Trump paid a flattering paternal compliment disguised as an incestuous ill-advised comment about his daughter, saying: “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” But let’s not rush to judge. What many see as a grossly inappropriate gaffe could instead be an intellectual nod to the incestuous practices of ancient monarchies – Cleopatra and the Ptolemies, and the Roman Emperor Nero who was rumored to have incestuous relations with his mother. This subtle nod to antiquity is clever, establishing family stability and dynasty at the heart of American government. Come on, it’s not like the Clintons don’t keep it in the family…
6To make sure Norwegian Bunchgrass goes to a good home.
We all remember where we were when the scandal first erupted onto our screens and newspapers. Despite Trump’s best efforts at concealment, in April 2016 the world media uncovered a field full of Trump wigs, stretching as far as the eye can see in one of the northernmost parts of Europe – Kvaløya, an island just to the north of the Norwegian city of Tromsø.
Of course, Trump vehemently denied cultivating his hair abroad. He had ‘scientists’, presumably on his payroll, reveal the flora to be nothing more than bunchgrass tussock, made thicker and infinitely more voluminous by the cold climate. He even tried staging a desperate attempt to convince us that his hair is organic by asking an audience member at a Greenville, SC, speech to come up on stage and pull at it; a response to a toupee related allegation featuring on the front page of the New York Times. But the evidence is there, as clear as daylight, if not the photos from the Roswell UFO incident or the hoax moon landing.
Trump’s positions on immigration, education, the economy, gun control and foreign policy are all up for debate, and while there are those that would condemn him there are as many who would lend him their support. But let us not shirk our collective duty as citizens in questioning the moral integrity of a man who would lie to US Customs and Border Control about the mass importation of his coiffure from Norway.
5He’s exceptionally good at firing people.
When asked in an interview for Life Beyond Sport whether firing people was something he found difficult or regretful, Trump’s reply was concise: “People think I enjoy firing people. I don’t.” Forcing people out of their job is part and parcel of the cutthroat word of elite business, and you don’t get to be a world famous business tycoon like Donald Trump if you’re not prepared to do it. But his claim to derive no pleasure from the process is, at the very least, suspect.
At first he fired people behind closed doors. Then he started appearing on NBC’s The Apprentice and firing people on TV. One candidate, Sam Solovey, was fired three times in just as many sentences, unable to do anything but gawk like a goldfish as he struggled to make sense of his situation. Bradford Cohen’s dismissal left an entire boardroom reeling, shell-shocked by the heavy firing they’d just experienced and unable to do anything other than rock back and forth muttering “oh my god”. In one memorable boardroom episode he got so carried away with firing people that he just couldn’t stop; sitting there in his tuxedo and firing off his semi-automatic finger like some kind of corporate James Bond of the ‘Roger-Moore’s-let-himself-go’ variety.
If anything, the public firing of people has only intensified as his campaign has gathered momentum. Victims of his presidential campaign so far include Paul Manafort, Corey Lewandowski and Ed Brookover. Rick Wiley, ‘Klu Klux’ Sam Nunberg and Kevin Kellems. Roger Stone, Michael Caputo and even ‘Double-Barrelled’ Barry Bennet. Let’s just hope he never fires those nuclear weapons.
4Because Nigel Farage said you should.
For those of you who don’t know who Nigel Farage is, here’s a quick introduction. When not scaring children in his stand in role for the Monsters Inc. antagonist Randall Boggs, the MEP (Member of the European Parliament) likes to spend his time scaring Europeans (primarily Brits) either by making inflammatory racist comments or just by smiling. His far right (or “Farage right” as nobody calls it) rhetoric tends to target immigrants and the European Union – an institution for which he has a remarkable amount of hatred considering that they pay him an £84,000 salary.
Farage, along with professional buffoon and runner-up at this year’s Donald Trump look-alike contest, Boris Johnson, can be credited with orchestrating and effecting the UK’s vote to leave the European Union (Brexit) on June 23rd 2016. The decision, in hindsight, was a bad one. The value of the pound plummeted; British politics overnight came to resemble something a rushed episode of House of Cards written by Roland Emmerich and acted out by an unfocused kindergarten class; racially motivated abuse and attacks emerged from the shadows into public acceptability. Worst of all though, it made Nigel Farage smile.
After successfully ‘taking the country back’ from the evil clutches of European bureaucrats, Farage announced that he would be ‘taking his life back’ by means of a hiatus from politics. Unfortunately, however, what’s dead may never die and Farage has recently been emerging alongside Trump at rallies across the US, emitting bursts of white noise masquerading as sage advice. Here’s some alternative advice – whatever this man says, do the opposite.
3He speaks his mind.
I’m going to put it out there: you cannot commend someone simply for speaking their mind. You could commend someone for speaking out for a cause they believe to be just (though just is, of course, subjective). Equally, you could commend someone not for speaking out if it is not expedient to do so (if, for example, you were living under a repressive regime and by speaking out you would endanger the lives of others). But you cannot commend someone simply for speaking their mind.
When some people say that they like Trump because he speaks his mind what they really mean is that they like the fact he has no filter. He says exactly what he thinks. Let me suggest that this is not necessarily a good quality in a politician; there’s a reason politicians don’t ‘speak their minds more often and it’s called politics. Other people, when they say they like Trump speaking his mind, say so because they agree with what he says. That’s because Donald Trump is a demagogue who will pander to what the majority of people want to hear in order to secure power.
I don’t know Trump well enough to comment as to whether his counterfactual generalization of Mexican immigrants as ‘people with a lot of problems’, ‘people bringing drugs’ and ‘rapists’ was said because he believes it or because he thinks it’s what people want to hear, but it’s dangerous, it’s not commendable, and it’s talk like that that’s going to set us back to the 1930s. Anyway, agree or disagree with that I’m saying here. It’s your call. I’m just speaking my mind.
2The First Family
As established in #7, Trump’s quasi-incestuous remark about his daughter Ivanka was, in fact, an early hint at a far greater issue he’s yet to be credited for: the importance that will be given to family in his presidency. Family is indeed something Trump has in abundance, his family tree – presumably a fine Scottish Oak on his mother’s side – branching across three marriages that have produced five children and eight grandchildren.
For the current spouse and prospective First Lady Melania Trump, life in the limelight has not been too kind as of late. First there were suggestions that she had plagiarized entire sections of her Republican National Convention speech from the incumbent Michelle Obama. Then there was the recent allegation by the British Daily Mail that Melania once worked as a high-end escort and possessed ambiguous immigration status – an allegation which has since been retracted in the face of a lawsuit of $150 million for damages.
Then there are Trumps children from his first marriage to Ivanka Zelní?ková, Donald Jr., Eric and Ivanka. The terrible threesome (good luck getting that imagery out of your head) joined their stepmother in making headlines recently. Their cold, steely faces occupy what was first thought to be an advert for American Psycho 3 (apparently 2 already exists) but has now been established as an official poster for an officially well thought out campaign to get young people to vote Trump. So if the prospect of Trump residing in the White House isn’t enough to convince you, do it for the children.
1It’ll ‘Make America Great Again’.
Critics, as they are wont to do, have criticized parts of this slogan, some being so audacious as to ask for clarification as to the precise period to which it refers. 1913, the year in which the seventeenth amendment, enabling the election of senators by state voters, passed through congress? Great, if you’re not a woman. When it was founded? Not great if you’re anyone other than a European pioneer. The immediate aftermath of World War II? Definitely a more sensible contender, but one still hampered by issues of racial segregation and women’s rights.
At the risk of sounding overly cynical to the point of bitterness, I would like to lay my cards on the table by saying that America is already great. The United States possesses the world’s largest nominal economy. Politically it boasts a unique and globally admired system of government, protected by a written constitution. Globally, the United States is an overall force for good in the world, and if this sounds undervaluing no other country merits higher praise. Had it not been for the intervention of the United States in the Second World War, the political topography of Europe would be entirely different; the forces of fascism yet to be expunged from the map. But it’s culturally the US’ greatness really shines through, a melting pot into which industry, patriotism, compassion and cooperation have been thrown to produce some of the world’s finest cultural exports. By these I don’t just mean media, sports, music, movies etc., but also exports of example. Let’s continue this example by showing the world that great countries don’t build walls.
The choice that voters face on Tuesday November 8th will undoubtedly be one of the most significant of the century. It’s a choice that will legitimize a governing ideology that will hold sway over the western world and reverberate far beyond it. It’s a choice between a party of conservatism, protectionism and individualism and a party of liberalism, progress and social equality. And it is a choice between two personalities: one a proven and overall successful (if not flawed) politician and the other a charismatic yet potentially vacuous demagogue.
At the time of writing, the polls put Trump slightly behind Clinton, with his national polling average coming in at 40% to his rival’s 43%. But the polls have been known to be wrong – as was most recently the in the UK’s European Union Referendum Campaign – and time and again where the margins are small they will continue to be wrong.
If you want to make sure that your candidate takes up occupancy at the White House, you have to get out and vote. Likewise, if you want to make sure that one or the other candidate does not take up residence and become the most powerful leader of the free world, you have to get out and vote. If you do decide to vote for Donald Trump’s vision of an American utopia, that is your right. But you might do well to bear in mind Margaret Atwood’s dictum; the problem, as with all utopias, will be what to do with those who don’t fit in.