Top 10 Reasons Men Should Not Get Married

5. Marriage Is Constant “Compromise” (Meaning You Lose, No Matter What)

In marriage everything is a compromise.
In marriage everything is a compromise.

One of the things that your father or father confessor will continually attempt to drill into your head before you take the plunge is that marriage essentially consists of an endless series of compromises. Now, this is where your recollection of the earliest events of your childhood ought to kick in. To wit, do you remember the various arguments and disagreements that your mother and father engaged in while you were living under their roof? Who won the majority of those arguments?

Sure, your Dad could always lead off strong with the “I’m the bread winner” charge. But wasn’t your Mom quick to counter with “Who does the shopping, the clothes folding, the nose wiping for the four year old, etc.?” When all else fails, she fought dirty: Cue up the old reliable water works! Your Dad really never had a chance.

Yes, he could stage a “down tools” protest for a couple of hours by heading over to his brother’s house to drink a few beers and commiserate in the garage. But, sooner or later, he’d be back, doing exactly what he didn’t want to be doing, with the person that he would least enjoy doing it with. Some compromise, eh, Sharky?

Of course, here and there, you’ll win a few small victories. You’ll get to keep a few of your old high school yearbooks or a few Kiss concert T-shirts that you’ve almost, but not quite, outgrown. The rest of this compromise business is her domain, which she permits you to live in –pro tempore.

4. Did You Enjoy The Premarital Sex? Good, Because Post Marriage Sex Is A Myth, Much Like Nessie And Bigfoot

Like sex don't you.  Marriage will cure that.
Like sex don’t you. Marriage will cure that.

Remember all the sweet good times you and your Significant Other had in the sack before you tied the knot? Let’s hope they were good enough – and plentiful – enough to last you a life time. As it turns out, you’ll need those sweet memories to see you through a long, intercourse free desert of married life, which -need we remind you? – is currently scheduled to last until death do you part.

The fact of the matter, in case you haven’t guessed, is that sexual intercourse decreases sharply after marriage. There’s a million logical (and perfectly joyless) reasons why this is so. To begin with, if children are the immediate sequel of your first few weeks of honeymoon sex, you can just imagine how strong your wife’s aversion to further potential “accidents” might become.

If children are indeed involved in your life, you can likewise imagine how sharp of a toll that looking after the little bundles of joy will take on your potential allotment of sack whoopie time.

There will come a stressful, intercourse free, period during which your little toddler(s) will want to sleep with Mommy & Daddy so as to avoid the monster in the closet. There will come a time when Mommy will simply be so worn out after a stressful day at the office that she will be fast asleep in the bed by the time you’ve finished brushing your teeth. Prepare for the coming drought.

3. Divorce: All Good Things, And Some Very Bad Things, Come To An End

Getting a divorce. Say goodbye to your kids.
Getting a divorce. Say goodbye to your kids.

Previously, we wondered aloud on your behalf whether there was anything truly as terrifying, mortifying, and soul scathing as the average experience of the institution of marriage in the United States. You’re in luck! We found something worse: Divorce!

Want to bet half of your income, 18 years of child support payments, and 50 to 90 percent of your property on the slim and shady proposition that your marriage is sure to succeed where over half of all other marriages contracted on the same day will fail? Be our guest!

Will your soon to be blushing bride lose her bright cheerful smile and adopt a scowling eye when you bring up the subject of a prenuptial agreement? This, more than any other, is the sure forecast of an unsuccessful marriage. Look, if she’s not prepared to risk her all, why should you take the plunge for two?

In case you even need to contemplate how potentially costly a divorce may be, let’s add another scenario to the mix: It’s too costly to consider, especially while the children are too young to leave home, and you’d be on the hook for 10-12 years of support payments. So you wait it out. You wait until the kids are old enough to head off to college.

How does 18 years of doing time like a long term felon sound to you? Pacing the walls of your cell and cursing the day you ever let yourself be booked into this loveless sham? It happens more often than you think – are your parents still married, chum?