Should you ever get married? Are you a man? Answer the second question first. If the answer to the second question is “Yes”, then the obvious answer to the first question is, “NO!” The fact is, marriage has never been all that it’s cracked up to be. And in the past few decades, this venerable old institution has actually degenerated even further into an absolute soul and wallet draining waking nightmare, especially for the male of the species.
There used to be a great many practical and logistical reasons why marriage was an ideal arrangement (albeit, from vastly different points of view) for both men and women. However, in the 21st century, the majority of those reasons have passed into the murky mists of history. Today, it simply makes more sense not to get married. It’s one thing to fall in love, another to surrender your emotional and economic freedom.
10. She’s Going To Gain Weight, No Matter What (So Are You, By The Way)
If she gets pregnant, she’s obviously going to gain weight (Score one for all you Captain Obvious fans). But, even if you remain childless, the both of you are going to gain weight. In fact, in many ways, the first five years of a marriage are a slow but steady race to see who can let themselves go the farthest, for the longest amount of time, with the fewest possible repercussions.
According to a recent study conducted by the University of Queensland in Australia, women who live with a partner (in this case, let’s go ahead and read husband) tend to gain more weight than women who live completely alone. Is it hard to understand why this should be?
No, it really isn’t. The fact is, women who are in a secure, exclusive, and committed relationship, particularly one that has been formalized with a legal ceremony and a wedding ring, feel no twinge of guilt whatsoever in gradually letting of the svelte little bod they had on offer back in your courtin’ days. And, honestly, are they wrong? Is a gain of ten pounds going to nullify your wedding vows? Do you have a leg to stand on in court over this trifling matter?
Of course, the female side is taking the brunt of the argument in this particular scenario precisely because this article is being written from the male point of view. Trust us, tough guy, women notice when you pack on the pounds as well.
9. Marriage Shuts Down All Other Possible Options, Permanently
Not sure what you’re getting into? Don’t know how you really feel about not having the luxury of keeping all your other options open? Not keen on consigning your “Little Black Book” to the flames? In short, are you getting more than just the normally described case of cold feet over you impending nuptials?
If this is the case, it’s more than an ominous sign for the future of your marriage. We’d say it’s more in the line of a direct express telegram from the Bachelor Deity, warning you to shake off the chains before they bind you fast in the fetters of unsuitable monogamy.
Marriage means an end to all the casual dates (and the casual sex). Marriage means that you wake up with the same person, morning after morning, after love making, after arguing, after many nights of sheer, soul lacerating boredom. Marriage demands the state of monogamy, which, from a male point of view, may as well be more accurately labeled, “monotony”. It’s the end of your freedom and all of your options.
To put it bluntly, when you enter into the bonds of marriage, you’re stuck with each other, until death do you part. There’s a reason that these phrases sound so ominous and so final – they’re designed to be. Of course, nowadays the radical cure of divorce is far more easily available than it used to be. But if you’re already reassuring yourself with such thoughts this early in the game, it’s just another little hint that you really aren’t ready for the big commitment.
8. Getting Shacked Up Will Empty Your Wallet For Years To Come
The average total cost of a wedding in the United States is currently in excess of $30,000.
According to a recent survey published by CNN on their official website, the total costs of the average American wedding break down as follows:
- $14,000 to rent the venue where the event will be held.
- $5,800 to buy the ring.
- $3,500 to hire the band.
- $68 catering costs per invitee.
- $439 per printed wedding invitation.
- $275 per set of miscellaneous party favors.
An average of 43 percent of the total cost of the wedding will be paid for by the parents of the bride, which leaves someone else – namely, you – on the hook for the remaining 57 percent. Greater minds than yours have furrowed their brows in despair at the escalating costs and the long years of their lives about to spent in making payments on a plan. While many have survived this ultimate ordeal, there are plenty more who wonder what demon whispered in their ear to make them sign on the dotted line and wreck their lives.
It’s easy to see why many young people of marriageable age choose not to tie the knot. It simply costs too much! Being tied to a payment plan is no one’s idea of a good start to any relationship, particularly one that is scheduled to last for the rest of your natural lives. In fact, there’s only one thing that costs more than marriage: Divorce.
7. Marriage Is Essentially Nothing More Than A Blizzard Of Paperwork
Remember when you first decided – or someone decided for you in terms resembling an “offer you couldn’t refuse” – that it was time to get married? Remember all of the paper work you had to fill out? Blood tests, marriage license, all sorts of other forms and miscellaneous legal formalities – it’s only the tip of the iceberg, friend. Indeed, there is much, much more to come.
When it’s time to fill out all the forms for your newly opened joint bank account, you’ll be signing your life – and an inevitably large chunk of your future finances – drearily away. When it’s time to fill out all the paper work for your shared health insurance, you’ll be sighing away as more precious hours of your life pass by. And there’s more, much more, to come.
When you really stop to take a good hard look at it all – and we imagine you’re doing so now as you read this – you’ll realize that the state of being married is essentially a large, formally legal, fiction. Does being married solve all of your intense personal issues, or does it merely create new and less immediately solvable problems?
Does the fact that the two of you have cosigned a marriage license really make you that much more in love with, and committed to, each other? Whose idea was it to sign this paper, anyhow? Yours? Your spouses? Her parents? Was it peer pressure from your friends or your church? This is a question worth inquiring into.
6. Marriage Means Sticking To The Plan – No More Spontaneity
Do you enjoy going crazy on the weekend? Driving up to Brooklyn on a whim and partying with your best friend’s brother’s cousin’s uncle’s boss’ nephew at a new Italian themed night club that just opened up? If so, plan on never doing so again. You’ve got a wife to come home to, paper work to fill out, dinner to eat, dishes to clean, television shows to watch, and a full night of doing exactly what you did the previous four nights to look forward to. Sounds great, huh? It’s your life when you’re married, partner.
Sure, you’ll hear about married couples who manage to keep the “spontaneity” alive in their marriage. These are Fortune 500 execs and hotel heiresses who can afford to fly (frequently separately) to any breezy location in the world that they please. The rest of us don’t have it so good. Spontaneity is a dead letter in a middle class marriage. What truly prevails is routine, and the desperate need to play things safely so as not to introduce some new and terrifying pretense for misunderstanding and resultant bickering.
If you have children, you can count on the drudgery to become even worse. You can’t have a babysitter in every night if you expect to actually get to know your children. And, for obvious reasons, you can’t be partying on the other side of town when they are going through their first few pivotal life events. While witnessing these events is certainly a rewarding experience, the monotony that surrounds them may prove unendurable.