10 Reasons Why Nice Guys and Girls Finish Last
Being a nice guy or a nice girl sounds like it should be a compliment, but it does not appear actually to be one. Some people are stuck in the mindset that being nice is what it takes to get a romantic catch, and it does not work out very often. The route of the many issues with this mindset is that a person decides that being nice is all that they have to bring to the dating table. Good manners, while important, are not going to win a love interest over.
The inability to connect romantically can be caused by this overly nice attitude. Some subconscious personality traits come from being nice to the level of nice guy and girl. Most of these are not very attractive and can lead a potential partner just not to be interested in a romantic relationship. Attraction is the difference between being someone’s friend, and being someone’s romantic partner. This lack of appeal is where the friend-zone happens, and it is a common complaint of the nice guys and girls.
When someone gets to know a nice guy or girl, he or she is not attracted to the other person, usually due to the unattractive traits of an overly nice personality. However the nice guy or girl is otherwise a decent person, so a friendship is born. One side of that relationship apparently wants more from it, but a relationship does not work with only one side being into it. Here are 10 reasons why nice guys and girls finish last:
10Nice Guys and Girls Are Boring
A common thought amongst the vocal nice guy and girl population is that they provide their partner with security and safety. These relationship benefits are perceived in an entirely different light by their love interests. On the other side of this, nice guys and girls do not provide any excitement to the person they are trying to woo. One way to kill a relationship fast is boredom, and the newer the relationship, the easier it will die.
Nice guys and girls end up being perceived as boring, not because they are actually boring though. It’s because they are just too safe. The potential partners assume that safe is the opposite of exciting. A lack of excitement is going to be a dull experience, and that is not going to lead to a fulfilling relationship. It can also mean that the relationship cannot grow, and the lack of progress can be a turnoff.
The idea that safe and secure is doomed to boring with no progress is not all that logical. A stable relationship can still be full of adventure; however, it is part of the nice guy or girl stigma that things will be dull. To avoid this common sticking point, a nice guy or girl can make sure that they show their date that safe does not have to mean boring. Adding some excitement to the date can significantly improve the potential in any relationship. Suggesting intriguing date ideas is a great way for a nice guy or girl to blow the boring out of their relationships.
9Nice Guys and Girls are Weak
The weakness that is associated with the nice guy or girl persona is not a physical weakness, but a social deficiency. Social weakness is a total turn off for a romantic partner. Their people-pleasing desire can come across as being easily manipulated with social pressure because they regularly conform to the “hive mind” in any group setting. A person who is that easily swayed by a groups opinion is going to be judged as weak. They are unable to hold up any boundaries or ideals that they stand behind. Their inability to stand behind their beliefs is going to make any stance they take seem superficial.
When it comes to dating, being weak socially can be very detrimental. The logic behind this is if a person can be swayed easily on other ideals that they hold, how easy was it to convince themselves they wanted to be with their partner? Was it easy to appear attractive? Are they even truly wanting to be in a relationship with their current partner, or did they just get talked into it? How easy would it be to talk them out of their perceived love? All of these questions have less than satisfactory answers when they are asked of a person who is socially weak.
A nice guy or girl is not going to fill their partner with confidence in their relationship. In fact, most people are going to find nice guys and girls to be very fickle. Being fickle is a major turn off, and a great way to kill budding romantic relationships.
8Pushovers Are Not Attractive
In the same vein as being socially weak, the nice guy and girl persona can come across as being complete pushovers. While constantly arguing over every little thing can become tiresome, so can complete agreement. A healthy dose of compromise can bring a couple closer together, and that means both people need to show what they really want. When one person is made to make all the choices because the other is just okay with everything, the couple miss out on this bonding.
Being able to work through disagreements is a sign of a strong connection and the possibility of a solid relationship. Talking through smaller conflicts is a how a couple find out how their partner deal with differences. They can expect a larger rift to be managed in a similar manner. With the overly nice people, these little disagreements never happen. It is hard for a romantic interest to have an idea of what to expect when a disagreement does finally occur because eventually, something is going to deserve a response. This can cause a new relationship to fizzle out quickly because the uncertainty is worrying.
Compounding the worry of not knowing how a person deals with conflict, the lack of passion shown by a push over is very unattractive. This lack of strong feelings can also indicate that someone is uninteresting. When someone is willing to bend to everything, it shows they lack passion on any topic. Being boring, and lacking real passion are turnoffs for a potential partner, quickly leading back to the friend-zone.
7There is No Chase
While it sounds somewhat backward, the thrill of the chase is a real thing. It is also not limited just to the beginning of a relationship and is something that can be worked on well into marriage. When a nice guy does his constant calling or a nice girl is always showing up at someone’s house, there is no thrill for the other person. The thrill is an excellent way to build up attraction, and a lack of attraction leads to the friend-zone.
The balance between showing interest, and still keeping something personal can be difficult to find. Most of the time, a person is defined as a nice guy or girl because they swung too far to one side of the spectrum. Some dating guidelines can help keep a person who has a habit of being too interested, such as waiting several days to call. While these may help a bit, most are outdated, and they should all be taken as guidelines, not hard and fast rules. The best approach is to listen for cues from the other person. If they are trying to push away or appear uncomfortable, it is a sign to back off a bit. Responding to their communication is important.
Nice guys and girls are labeled as such because they cannot manage to find any balance in their relationships. This missing balance is going to be a hard obstacle to overcome. In some cases, it is too much effort to work through this, meaning a healthy relationship is very unlikely.
Typical nice guy or girl behavior is going to kill the thrill, and those same behaviors are going to be seen as being clingy. In a healthy relationship, both people can grow as individuals. When one part of the relationship is overly clingy, this personal growth is going to be stifled.
The suffocation that comes from a clingy partner will cause a person to push away. It is not an environment that lets deeper relationships grow. To the nice guy or girl, it will feel as though they are trying so hard, yet keep getting rejected. From the perspective of the other person, they are just trying to get some breathing room. Neither feelings are entirely wrong; they are just based off of separate views. A couple with a healthy dynamic can navigate this by listening to each other and respecting their partner’s boundaries.
A way to combat the urge to be clingy is to enjoy other things in life. If the relationship is the only thing that is interesting in a person’s life, they are going to need more from it. The clingy dynamic is usually started with this base; one person puts everything into a relationship and therefore needs to get everything out of it. A healthy balance of other social groups, hobbies, and interests make for a well-rounded person, who is much less predisposed to be clingy. Solving clingy behaviors works best when the cause of the behavior is addressed. As an extra bonus, having new things to focus on helps build passions to share.
Along with all the other off-putting qualities of the stereotypical nice guy motif, they will come off as being insecure. Constantly looking for validation from social groups, or their significant other, is going to get old, fast. Many ways that people present being insecure can also be larger problems in a romantic relationship, such as jealousy, controlling tendencies, or other harmful behaviors.
Insecurities can manifest in some different ways, none of which are the building blocks of a healthy relationship. A typical behavior that is caused by a person being insecure is jealousy. Here is the link between nice guys and jealous types; while it is not a guarantee that a nice guy or girl is going to be a jealous crazy person, it happens enough that it makes the stereotype. Jealous people are likely to be controlling and put wedges between other relationships. To dodge the mess a relationship with an overly jealous person can bring, some will disregard a nice girl to avoid it.
Not only does being insecure lead to bigger relationship problems, but self-doubt will also showcase a great lack of confidence. Confidence is going to attract romantic interests, while insecurities are going to break down any chance that might exist. As a total turnoff, insecurity is one of the top reasons couples do not make it passed the first few months of dating. It is also another fast track way into the friend-zone, as potential partners will be hesitant to become romantically involved with a person crippled by insecurity.
4 Lack of Self-Respect
There are many ways that people show they have a lack of self-respect, and none of them are attractive traits. It is common for people who suffer from missing self-respect to be jealous of other people’s successes. This can be very draining on a relationship when one person reacts negatively to the other succeeding in life.
Quite a few of the habits, characteristics, and behaviors that nice guys and girls exhibit point to having them little self-respect. In a healthy relationship, both parties are there to build each other up. When one person in a relationship shows low self-respect it is hard to succeed in helping them grow. That can cause the other person to just give up on the relationship, or to distance themselves by reducing the depth of the relationship. It is easier to have a friend that cannot be built up than it is to have a romantic partner who is unwilling to bring themselves up, even with help.
A person is not going to be interested in someone who is not interested in themselves. The idea that they are not interesting projected by people who suffer from a lack of self-respect; that they are not even worthy of their own respect, let alone someone else’s. It is evident, when someone respects themselves, that they are worthy of the time and energy needed for a relationship. They show they are receptive to growth provided by a partner. These are attractive traits, which bring people closer. When self-respect is lacking, then it is easy to lose attraction, and a relationship without attraction is the friend-zone.
3 No Decisive Action
It is exhausting to try to make all the plans, figure out all the details, and make all the decisions. In a relationship, sharing this responsibility is key. When a nice guy or a nice girl refrain from making decisions, it puts it all of this on their partner. Questions like “What would you like to eat?” always being answered in a dismissive way will become stale quickly.
A couple that is unable to work together to make decisions is not going to last. In the case of new relationships, or hopeful relationships, one person may try to put distance between the couple; just to avoid having to choose, yet again, where to go for dinner. Not only is this tiring, but it can also make a relationship feel more like parenthood. When one person has to treat the other as a child, it can dissolve the relationship quickly.
Not making any decisive moves can also be a sign that a person is not confident. Confidence is an important facet to attraction. Lacking in assurance is a quick way to appear unpleasant to a potential partner. An individual who makes sure decisions looks confident, so to avoid this nice guy downfall, decide for once what movie to see. Just by making one decision a person can look more confident, and it can also boost the ability to make future decisions as well. This personal growth naturally increases the dating potential of a person by making them more attractive and a better partner.
2 Nice Guys and Girls are Not Themselves
It is incredibly difficult for a partner to get to know their other half when the other half is a people-pleasing nice guy or girl. When one person is always in agreement and never has anything to add, they become hard to read. This leads people to feel closed off from the real person because the real person does not seem to exist.
Being offended, disagreeing with a stance, or just deciding where to go for drinks all show a personality. While all these go strongly against the nice guy persona, they are what make a person have a character. The overly nice person, who never wants to rock the boat, is hard to feel connected to. Are they just agreeing to go white water rafting because they want to? Alternatively, do they just not want to disagree? It is impossible to really feel close to someone if their motives are having to be questioned like this regularly. This distance is one reason that a nice girl may notice relationships not growing beyond friendships.
This is also a sign of not being confident, which is a total attraction killer. Confidence is knowing how a person is and embracing their personality. Nice guys and girls are doing the exact opposite. They are burying their personalities so that they can get along with everyone. This kills confidence and hides their true self. While this can make group decisions in a setting of friends or coworkers easier, it is not something most people are looking for from a romantic partner.
1 Being Nice Does Not Get You Noticed
A relationship is not going to happen when a nice guy or girl is not noticed by their love interest. Nice is a very general term, and it is not an adjective that really sticks out in someone’s mind. When the best someone has to say about another person is “they are nice” they obviously did not make too much of an impression.
Being bland is a relatively routine way to end up in the friend-zone. There is nothing that is going to cause someone to be offended by a nice guy, but there is not really anything that brings romantic interest either. It can be thought of like food; something that is just okay is not going to bring people back for more. In a similar way, a person who is just nice is not going to make a potential partner interested in a deeper relationship. This can be incredibly frustrating for the nice guy and contributes to the friend-zone that nice guys and girls complain about regularly.
The desire for a more significant relationship is built on more than being not offensive. It comes from adding to someone else’s life, in a way that is meaningful. This pitfall of the nice guy syndrome can be fought off by being passionate about something. Showing a passion draws people in, letting people with similar passions find a connection. A strong relationship, built on shared experiences both parties enjoy, shows how standing out can be a successful strategy for finding and building great relationships.
While being a person that is nice is important, putting all of someone’s identity into being a nice guy or girl can lead to dating failure. There are some perceived notions on what a nice guy and nice girl have, and what they lack. There are also some traits that filter out from being overly nice, although they are entirely unintentional. All of these can cause a person to be unattractive to their love interest.
It is hard for a person to be romantically interested in someone who is a boring, people-pleaser that lacks any real personality; and that is how many nice guys and girls are seen. These traits put off a vibe that is given off by the nice guys and girls that find their dating attempts to be unsuccessful. The result of their dating game is usually the friend-zone because their potential partners just are not romantically attracted to them. These traits do not make them repulsive people, and means they end up with many friends. Unfortunately, the nice guy or girl is looking for more and left disappointed.
Being put out into the friend-zone for being nice seems like it is a brutal part of the dating world. However, when the actions and personality of these nice guys and girls are looked at carefully, it is evident why the nice guys and girls finish last. Nice guys and girls need to focus on being a person first, with the trait of being nice as an excellent addition to a full personality.