10 Sure-fire Signs He Is Cheating On You
Finding out that your other half is cheating on you can sometimes come like a bolt out of the blue. Some women never see it coming. Others, if they are honest with themselves and look back at their relationship in the months before they found out the news are able to pinpoint little signs that, in retrospect, should have given them the sign that their other half was playing away.
Many women will say that at a certain point they just felt as though something was not quite right and the reason is probably that these tell-tale signs started to manifest themselves in your partner’s behavior. If you have been cheated on before, you are probably aware of these signs and will subconsciously look for them in your relationships with any subsequent partners. If, however, you are in a happy, stable and committed relationship and you have never considered cheating or being cheated on as a possibility then you will not know what to look out for but rather be left with a niggling feeling of unease.
This list sets out the top 10 red flags that you should be concerned about. We should say in advance that many of the signs below might have perfectly rational and honest explanations; if you notice one sign in isolation then that is probably (but not certainly) the case. If you see more than one sign on the list then you might have cause to be concerned.
10. He Starts To Be Secretive Over Money
This is one of the biggest red flags going. In an open and honest relationship, even one where the spouses have separate accounts, it is normal to be transparent and honest about finances. Sure you might have his-n-hers accounts and a joint family one but the normal course of things is to keep your bank statements on the family file and discuss them when it is time to file the tax return.
Things to watch out for include large cash withdrawals from a family joint account instead of using the credit card for purchases. Most people use the card for transactions, it is simpler, easier, means there is no need to carry cash and grants a level of insurance to large purchases. For most families the only reason to use large amounts of cash in this day and age is if one partner does not want the other to know where the money is going.
If you have separate accounts is your spouse suddenly trying to hide his statements, changes the log-in on his internet banking passcode or otherwise being secretive. Other flags include a failure to see an increase in monthly take-home after a promotion. He might well be channeling the excess through a separate account. Alternatively he might have credit card statements addressed to his work instead of his home address.
9. He Is Secretive With Technology
Of course our cell ‘phones and laptops and other means of accessing technology are secured by passwords, this is a normal security procedure but the reality is that in most families spouses will be aware of each other’s major passwords. There really should be no need to hide anything from your significant other so if your spouse suddenly changes the password on their cell or laptop and persistently ‘forgets’ to give you the password then you might have cause to be concerned.
If you have a family computer you might suddenly notice strange entries in the browser history that give cause for concern or, alternatively you might notice that your partner starts to delete his browsing history after each use of the computer.
Some pro-cheaters maintain the façade of familial access to his cell but suddenly get another ‘work’ cell where one has never been needed before. Of course you don’t need access to that one because it is only for ‘work’ emails. Others use a second sim so watch out if you receive the odd call from him that shows a strange cell number
Certain apps whether on a work or private cell might also raise red flags as they are designed to make life easier for cheaters. From Slydial (which allows you to leave messages direct to voicemail) to Vaulty Stocks (which hides messages from the other woman as stock market reports), if these apps are on your husband’s cell you might have a cheater on your hands.
8. He Remembers Things Differently To You
Cheating is exhausting work, there are so many lies to remember, so many stories to keep straight that even the most accomplished liar is sure to slip up from time to time. Often these slip ups are not big glaring errors because a cheater will pay attention to the large details. Usually slip ups are minor details that do not quite sit right. One or two funny memories are usually nothing to worry about but if you start to notice a pattern things might be wrong. Indeed this is such a big red flag that it is often mentioned as a big potential pitfall on ‘how to cheat’ guides many of which point out that a suspicious wife or girlfriend will hone in on inconsistencies and subject the cheater to endless questions. Even if you have no prior concerns about infidelity such slip ups can be a sign that you need to start looking into your partner’s habits more carefully.
Typical examples are talking about a shared experience such as a movie or a trip to the theatre, that you did not go on or talking about a lovely meal in a restaurant that you have never been in. The more these types of slip ups happen, the more you have to be worried about. There are only so many times that your husband is going to get you mixed up with his boss!
7. Your Spouse’s Day To Day Behavior Changes
Most couples, after a while, get into a routine and tend to do similar things at similar times of the day in a similar way. There might be small changes to routine but nothing major, that is normal and natural and to be expected but if your spouse suddenly deviates from what has been their previous norm then you may very well have something to worry about.
Has your husband suddenly decided that he needs to spend more time in the bathroom? He may have bowel issues but he might also be texting his lover. He might suddenly start to stay up late at night, his explanation of playing Candy Crush while watching the Walking Dead might be nothing more than a cover, particularly if he never showed any interests in games or particular programs before now. What about his trips to the gym, when you come to wash his squash kit you might notice that it is not sweaty and dirty – perhaps he has been knocking some other balls around? Sudden late nights in the office, offering to do the midweek grocery run but taking twice as long as you normally do or leaving super early to get the kids from soccer practice, all of these are signs that he might be playing away.
It is not nice to be suspicious all the time and the chances are if you ask questions he will get upset and defensive but this is another red flag. If he was innocent he would not mind explaining.
6. Your Husband Gets New Female Friends At Work
Of course given that so many women work it is not at all unusual for office workers to have mixed gender friendships, indeed it is a sign of a healthy workplace and you would not want to be married to the misogynist pig who thinks so little of women that he cannot be friends with them. Nevertheless the office is a fertile recruiting ground for cheaters, particularly given the amount of time that is spent there.
So how can you tell when a friendship with a co-worker is innocent and healthy and when do you need to start worrying? If your spouse is happy for you to have platonic friendships with other men and is completely open and honest about his relationship with his female friend and even includes you on it then it is probably ok. Platonic friendships will have boundaries that men will not cross, quick drinks after work that they both tell their significant others about are fine, clandestine meet ups are not!
If your spouse starts to become emotionally reliant on a female co-worker, if he starts to talk about her a lot to text or call her about non work related issues and becomes secretive about the content of his chats with her then he is likely to be at the top of a slippery slope that could lead (if it has not already) to cheating.
5. Your Husband’s Moods Become Unpredictable
Many cheating spouses start to have unpredictable mood swings. This can manifest itself in two ways, some will be overly aggressive and start fights while others will suddenly become nice as pie, yet more will oscillate wildly between the two.
Why is this? Typically (unless your spouse is such a low down piece of garbage that they really do not care) cheaters will feel some level of guilt for what they are doing to their partner. This can make them feel pretty bad about themselves and they deal with this in a number of ways.
Some will do their very best to be really nice to their wife, bringing flowers home when they never did before, being extra attentive when they are at with the spouse (although they spend very little time in the family home) even expensive gifts like jewelry, all these act as a salve to their guilty conscience. Some dads might also cover their tracks by being super nice to their children as well, typically manifesting in so called ‘Disney Dad’ behavior so that they can convince themselves that even if they are treating their wife badly their children are not suffering. Sure all these things are nice but if they are not normal behavior you may need to watch out.
Other men justify their affairs by manufacturing arguments. They become crabby and irritable and do whatever they can to pick a fight. When their wife responds (as they know she will) by rising to the bait they have exactly what they want, justification for their affair. After all if they are married to a nagging harridan who flies into a rage at the slightest thing then it is only natural that they will seek comfort elsewhere. It also has the added advantage that it gives them a reason to storm out of the house and stay away for a few hours!
4. Change In Sexual Habits
Much like number 5 (above) changes in sexual habits can be hard to pin down because different men will respond differently. Some couples who have enjoyed a previously active sex life might find that their bedroom activity starts to tail off as the husband gets his kicks elsewhere and he simply does not want to or have the energy to ‘do it’ with his wife as well. Some husbands find that their innate guilt over their affair prevents them from performing with their wife.
Other women will find that their husband’s affair actually results in them wanting or demanding more sex at home. A cheating husband might, for example, start to engage in some new sexual practices or tricks or ask for different positions because this is what they do with the other woman: she has taught him to enjoy new things. For some women this is a welcome change (or at least it is before they find out what caused this change in behavior) but for others the changes can be quite unpleasant. A cheating husband might become aggressive in bed, believing that sex with his wife is his right on demand or he might pressure an unwilling wife into doing things she is uncomfortable with.
The key thing to look out for with this red flag is unexpected change, a sudden lack of intimacy and physical contact can be just as much of a warning sign as a husband bringing sex toys home out of the blue.
3. He Starts To Invest More Time And Effort In His Appearance
Don’t get us wrong: not all men become slobs as soon as they are married. Some care for their appearance because they like to look good for themselves but you will know the level of effort that your husband tends to put into caring for his appearance. If this changes suddenly then you might have something to worry about.
When a man starts cheating on you with another woman he will often start to invest more time and effort in his appearance, partly because he wants to look good for her and partly because he feels more attractive in himself (who wouldn’t get a kick out of having two (or more) women interested in him at the same time).
Spending more time at the gym, taking more exercise, changing the style of clothing he likes to wear and paying more attention to the clothes he does have are all big red flags. He could be having a mid-life crisis of course but the chances are there is a woman behind the scenes fueling his need to look and feel good about himself.
2. He Starts To Take More Showers Or Hides Things From You
Does your spouse take a shower as soon as he gets into the house, no matter what the time? He might just be a clean freak but the chances are that he is trying to hide things from you. All accomplished cheaters know that wives have a nose for an affair, extra marital activities will leave a husband smelling of all sorts of things he should not, from scent to sex. Unless he is going to sleep with his wife just before he leaves the house every day and have an affair with a woman who wears exactly the same perfume he is going to have to find a way to wash the incriminating odors from his body and clothes.
Expert cheaters might shower off before coming home so watch out for the super clean returning husband as well as the immediate dash to the shower. A sudden concern for your domestic workload might be very touching but if he is suddenly laundering his own underwear and sending all his shirts and suits to the cleaners rather than throwing them on the basket (or floor) then you could be facing a sign that your husband is a lowlife.
Of course for some people (those in warm climates, builders, farmers etc) a shower as soon as they get home might be normal and if this is part of an established routine you probably do not need to worry. If it is a change to the established norms in your house then you might need to be worried.
1. You Get An STD
Of course every woman hopes that if her husband is stupid and cruel enough to have an affair that he will at least be savvy enough to use protection. Sadly not all men do and sometimes protection fails or is used incorrectly. If the other woman has an infection then the chances are you will get one too. For some women the first sign that their husband is cheating on them comes when they get some nasty symptoms and a shock diagnosis from the doctor.
Some STDs can remain latent for a long time and be a result of an infection you or your faithful partner contracted many years ago so you might want to give your husband the benefit of the doubt if they show no other signs of cheating and deny any extra marital activity. If, however, you notice other tell-tale signs after such a diagnosis the chances are the infection is recent and as a result of your husband’s skanky behavior.
So after reading our list you are concerned that your husband might be having an affair? The truth is that if you think your husband is having an affair, he probably is, the real question is what should you do now?
While it might be tempting to rush in and accuse him, if only to clear the air and find out if your suspicions are correct this is probably the worst thing you could do. A cheating spouse will use your heightened emotional state to talk down your concerns and make them appear trivial. He will probably have an answer to everything and you will have put him on notice that he needs to cover his tracks more carefully. A non-cheating spouse faced with a false accusation is likely to be hurt and upset and you may struggle to regain trust in a relationship after making such an accusation.
While it might be difficult the best thing you can do is keep your powder dry and use the time to observe what your spouse is up to. Build up a set of incontrovertible evidence to allow you to justify any allegations you make. This can also be a good time to decide what you want to get out of any confrontation with your husband. Do you feel that all trust is gone and that you want a divorce or do you want to try again?
If you think you might want a divorce you can use this time to speak to a divorce lawyer. They will be able to advise you on how to protect your financial assets in joint accounts, how to deal with custody issues etc. It will also give you an opportunity to take copies of key documents such as bank statements, house and car papers, passports, birth certificates etc. All of this will protect you in the future should your divorce become acrimonious.
Finally when you do decide to confront your partner make sure that you both have time to speak to each other (ie not in the car on the way to work) and for goodness sake make sure that your children are not in the room!