Looking to lose your religion? Well I’ve got the shiniest, newest, most beer-drinking gospel for you. If you like pirates, critical thinking, beer, sarcasm, and the moral and social acceptance of all people equally you might just be Pastafarian material. Here are the top 10 things you should know about the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Put on a bib, you wouldn’t want to get any sauce on that nice shirt and enjoy!
10. The Flying Spaghetti Monster Created Our World and the Universe
The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or “FSM” or his “Noodly Goodness,” as he is often called, has existed for hundreds of years. Followers of the FSM are commonly known as “Pastafarians.”
The Gospel and Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster were thrust into the spotlight thanks to an Open Letter to the Kansas State Board of Education written by Bobby Henderson. Mr. Henderson wanted to include Pastafarianism as an official part of the Kansas State education curriculum alongside Creationism and Evolution.
By way of introduction, there are 8 Commandments (often referred to as “I’d really rather you didn’ts” instead of commandments) that backstop Pastafarianism:
In September 2005, before Mr. Henderson wrote his book a Pastafarian known as Solipsy began collecting texts to formally memorialize the tenets of Pastafarianism. This 203 page tome was completed in 2010 and is available for download here.
- Pastafarianism Is Not To Be Taken Literally But It’s No Joke
The church and gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is real. Pastafarianism is a real religion. Many of its followers, however, do not believe that religion, any religion, requires literal belief in order to achieve spiritual enlightenment (I’m looking at you Christianity, Judaism, and Islam). In fact, the only dogma allowed in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the rejection of dogma.
Many members of the Church do not literally believe the scripture. This is not unlike other major religions like Christianity. Most Christians don’t believe the bible is literally true – but they are still Christian.
Some followers see the religion as satire. Mr. Henderson states that satire is an honest, legitimate basis for a religion. He believes that for satire to be effective it must be based on truth. To understand the satire you must understand the truth that is the object of satire.
- The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster Is Not Anti-Religion
Pastafarians are not anti-god or anti-religion. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is open to all. Atheists, Christians, Muslims, Agnostics, and free-thinkers make up the ranks. Many followers of the Noodly One recognize that religion has importance and value even in the absence empirical evidence. These propounders of the Pasta’ed One see religion as equal parts community and faith. Their shared community under the banner of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is just as legitimate a religious community as any other and perhaps even more so because of their honesty and rationality.
A central ideal of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is to scrutinize ideas and actions but “ignore general labels.”
- Pastafarians Believe that a Lack of Pirates in the Sole Cause of Global Warming
Speaking of scrutinizing ideas, Pastafarians aren’t above poking fun at melting polar ice caps. With tongue-firmly-in-cheek they insist that the globe’s ever increasing temperature problem is directly correlated to a decline in the existence of hardy sea-faring folk, namely pirates!
They logically jumped to the conclusion that this correlation equals causation. The fewer pirates that there are the hotter it will get. Arrgggh Matey!! Don’t worry. They have proposed the perfect solution. In order to cool the planet, simply dress like a pirate, talk like a pirate, and to whatever degree you can act like one.
The official dress of the Church of the Noodly One is full-blown pirate regalia! Pastafarians believe that the noble pirate’s history and mythology has been maligned by Christianity. FSM gospel describes pirates as peaceful explorers who happened to have a rowdy sensibilities and a penchant for rum and booty.
- The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster Is Open to All Races, Religions, and Sexual-Orientations
Gay? Lesbian? Enjoy marriage? Fantastic! The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster supports same sex marriage and marriage of every kind. The Noodly and sauce covered embrace of the FSM is open to all who choose to enter.
In fact, the Noodly One is not a jealous all powerful entity. You can join the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster even if you’re a non-believer (yeah like that’s gonna happen, once you get touched by His appendages it’s over).
- Followers Understand that the Noodly One is Ever Present and Manipulates our World Daily
The Flying Spaghetti Monster is not one to sit on his laurels. He stays busy. In fact, unlike other omnipotent, all powerful beings the FSM takes an interest in almost every scientific experiment or empirical investigation on the planet.
Every time a scientist attempts to measure our natural world, like determining the age of the planet, the Flying Spaghetti Monster appears and modifies the results with his noodly appendages. The FSM, while a super-being, is a trickster.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster likes to remind the world that He is the boss. Take a hike Tony Danza.
- Pastafarians Know How to Accessorize
Like all the other major religions the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster know how to peddle its wares. You can get your FSM t-shirts, mugs, stickers, pirate fish, emblems and more here.
Religion 101: you gotta have that swag.
- Every Friday is a Religious Holiday for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and its followers love beer and they love Friday. They combined the two into a holy day that coincidentally is called merely Friday. This religious holiday is celebrated by wearing pirate regalia, drinking beer, and generally having a nice time.
Pastafarians like to reflect on this holiest of days by spreading the message of the Monster, which is that the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the world’s most peaceful mainstream religion. Absolutely no wars have been waged in the Noodly One’s name.
- The FSM is Jesus Christ’s Real Father
The Flying Spaghetti Monster as the creator of all that is, is Jesus Christ’s father. Choose to disbelieve? If you can prove it there is a cool million in it for you. The website boingboing.com is willing to pay any individual $1,000,000 if they can produce empirical evidence which proves that Jesus is not the son of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
- The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a Philanthropic Phenomenon
FSM Church followers contribute to the website KIVA.org, which is a non-profit organization whose mission is to connect people to alleviate poverty through micro-finance and micro-loans. As of this article writing, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Team FSM) has reached $2 million in loans on Kiva. The FSM Church is the top-lending religious organization on the site. They crushed the Muslims, Catholics, Buddhists, and the former #1 titleholder: the Mormons!
To join the church, simply accept the Flying Spaghetti Monster into your heart and say his prayer:
Our Pasta, who “Arghh” in heaven, Swallowed be thy shame. Thy Midgit come. Thy Sauce be yum, On top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day our garlic bread. And give us our cutlasses, As we swashbuckle, splice the main-brace and cuss. And lead us into temptation, But deliver us some Pizza. For thine are Meatballs, and the beer, and the strippers, forever and ever. RAmen.